#IT'S BEEN 3000 YEARS OF PURGATORY

[ghostlyanon]

FURINA-JESUS REAL

[farfromstrange]

‘I Love You In Every Universe’

Chapter One: I Bet On Losing Dogs

Masterlist | List Of Installments

Pairing: Matt Murdock x F!Mutant!Reader

Summary: The day you lost Matt, you lost everything. There is no moving on from what Spider-Man put you through, and you plan to execute your revenge.

Warnings: ANGST, Major Character Death, blood, suicidal thoughts, mutant!Reader, evil Peter Parker, 18+ because of darker themes, multiverse (No Way Home Era), slight AU

Word Count: 5.8k

A/n: FINALLY! This took me way too long to edit. Today, we’re setting the scene for future installments, but you’re not getting all the details, even if the first 3000 words of this are somewhat a flashback. So, if you think that there is too little dialogue for a Prologue, that’s probably why. This chapter is integral to the future installments.

Read Me On AO3!

The world was silent when he died—an endless pit of nothingness, and above a sky full of stars. 

You don’t remember if it was raining. The moon was hiding behind a thick cloud, and the stars were burning, but you can’t remember if you were drowning in a river of tears or if it was the sky that broke that night. Everything else about that night, you remember quite vividly.

Hell’s Kitchen had become a battleground. The city lay at your feet in shambles; Wilson Fisk had become mayor after you tried hard to stop him, and the world fell apart. But it was his second in command, Peter Parker, who gave new meaning to the word ‘notorious’. Spider-Man infested your home like a parasite, slipping through your finger like dry sand. He knew what he was doing. He and Fisk held the city in the palms of their dirty hands, slowly crushing it like mealy little ants. 

When you met Matt Murdock, it was years back when things were still better, yet they were never perfect. He found you broken at the side of the road—or that was what it felt like, anyway. 

From the start, you have always been different. In a world where everyone wanted to be someone, your uniqueness painted a target on your back. Your nature was misunderstood by most; they either wanted to be you, or they were vying for your inevitable downfall. 

You stood out of every crowd. The target on your back remained no matter how hard you tried to turn yourself into a shrouded mystery. Eventually, you had to start running. You operated out of the dark like a criminal—a vigilante, and a mind-reader who could set the world on fire if she only tried hard enough. 

For most of your life, you were hunted. Scientists wanted to run experiments on you, tie you to a gurney, and study your brain until they understood how your abilities worked. Freaks wanted to sell you for millions to equally disturbed individuals. 

You couldn’t take it anymore. You were merely a scared child who grew into a terrified teenager who didn’t know any better: dead parents, dead everything, and a mind built to read those of others. 

Back then, your only instinct was blatant survival, so you ran. You ran fast and you ran far, an orphan so many would have rather seen dead than operating in the dark, but oh, you had to become something to feel like you were worth something.

When you landed in New York, beaten and alone with a bone-crushing fear of the future, the Devil found you, taking you home with him. He saved you. He picked up your pieces, glued you back together, and wrapped you in a protective glaze. All the heartbreak you’d endured, and the trauma you’d suffered getting there seemed worth it whenever he held you in his arms. 

You were Matt Murdock’s world, and he was yours. He showed you heaven and hell; he saved you from the purgatory you pushed yourself into and got you settled with a one-way ticket to paradise. After all these years, you finally found your salvation in a person.

He was your broken Catholic boy with a heart made out of gold. The universe didn’t deserve him, and yet he gave the world everything he had. He sacrificed his soul to God and his city. He prayed, he begged, and he fought hard for what he believed right at the time. 

Matt saw himself as the Devil; embodied him, too. Though in your eyes, he was an angel with an invisible halo only you could feel in every fiber of your being. His thoughts, his heart, and his soul; he gave it all to you.

You cherished him with all you could give him. It wasn’t much, but he loved you more than anyone had ever before. You were more than a mutant, more than a broken girl at the side of the road, and more than a potential test subject. With him, you finally learned what living was like—what it was supposed to feel like to be human.

The world tried to clip your wings. They took away your voice and your ability to breathe. Matt brought you back to life. He was not the love of your life; Matt Murdock was your soulmate. You lived for him. You existed for him. He was your heart, your soul, and the reason for your survival. 

It wasn’t healthy, how dependent you were on him. He made you see colors you couldn’t see with anyone else. You loved him fiercely. You loved him in a way that was pure agony. And you loved him in a way that you knew would screw you up forever.

It didn’t cross your mind that you could ever lose him. To you, Matt Murdock was immortal. He was the man you could see yourself growing old with. 

You got married in a small ceremony at the courthouse—it wasn’t just for love, it was also convenient, but he forever tied himself to you as you tied yourself to him with a golden wedding band—and you talked about maybe having children one day. A mini-you and a mini-him in your little farmhouse in the suburbs. For that, he would have left Hell’s Kitchen once it was safe enough to do so.

It was a foolish dream now that you think about it; you were foolish to think that happiness would ever be in the cards for you, but then he kissed you again, good morning and good night and in between, and all you could see was a sea of roses. 

He walked through fire (sometimes literally) for you and came back on the other side, hardly always unscathed but always alive, and always with a smile on his chapped lips. He crawled home to you even when he was broken. He crawled home to you when he was full of adrenaline. And he crawled home to you when he thought he couldn’t or wouldn’t anymore, both mentally and physically. He knew he could always come home to you, his best friend, his lover, his confidant, and soon enough, his wife.

You stitched his wounds and kissed his scars to breathe new life into him. You brought him back from the edge. You gave him something to live for. He told you that you saved him, and hearing that after getting on your knees every night, thanking him for the same thing, did something to you. It healed you from the inside out.

You kept him alive the same way he did you. You stood strong together against your enemies every night, fighting as a team. He taught you how to fight, and you taught him how to connect. Matt didn’t know what it was like not to push someone he loved away, but you made sure he understood. He connected to himself; he connected to his past, present, and future with you, and that made him a better man. 

You lost and you won, but at least you had each other to fall back on. You did it together. You did everything together. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Husband and wife. Lady Red and Daredevil.

The fragile little yet oh-so-big thing you had was raw, vulnerable, yet the most tragically beautiful love affair you could have possibly had the pleasure of calling yours. And pleasure, you had plenty. Love, you had plenty. You had everything until everything was ripped from your bare hands—until the very thing sustaining you shattered on a white cloth, spilling crimson blood everywhere, and what you swore could only be pried from your cold, dead hands slipped away in a moment in time. 

You both died, in a way, but it was Matt’s body you held as he took his last breaths in the dead of a hot summer’s night. You can’t remember if it rained, but he was certainly drowning in your tears.

“He’s going to kill you,” you warned him. “Parker and Fisk are out to destroy you. If Spider-Man sees you with your guard down, he won’t hesitate.”

Matt slid his skilled fingers into his pair of leather gloves. They were worn down, but they smelled like him. You could feel the unease sizzling in the pit of your stomach—a parasite. 

“I have to do this,” he told you, his voice laden. “The bastard is ruining innocent lives in my city. I can’t stand idly by and let it happen.”

You weren’t fighting, but the statement still hung deafeningly loud in the room, hanging itself from the ceiling with a noose that was threatening to take you down with it. 

“He challenged you because he knows you’d do anything—” 

He cut  you off, “He’s underestimating me.”

You stared into his eyes. It hurt. It hurt so much. The dark cloud was heading straight for you, but he couldn’t sense it. “You almost died the last time you came face-to-face with him,” you tried again.

“So did you,” he said. “Fisk is nothing without Spider-Man behind him, and those two have done enough damage already.”

“Matt, please—”

“I have to, sweetheart. This is the only way.”

“There is always another way.”

He shook his head. “Not this time. The city is about to fall. If I let them win, there is no coming back from this. You know that.”

“At least let me come with you then,” you said. You begged him to listen, but he wouldn’t see how worried you were. “We’ve been through hell together. We can fight this war together, too.”

“No,” Matt insisted. “He will see an easy target. You mean too much to me. Spider-Man is gonna use you to get through to me. I can do this. You just have to trust me.”

“I trust you. It’s him I don’t.”

“I’m gonna talk to him, and if I have to fight him again for the whole fucking world to see, so be it.”

The words slipped you before you could stop them, cutting through the air like a sharp-edged sword. “What if you die trying?” 

He stopped dead in his tracks.

“I don’t want to lose you!” you cried. 

You had not cried in front of him often before that night, but your walls cracked, and you broke. 

Matt cradled your face as he whispered, begging you to listen, “You won’t. I promise. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

The invisible string pulled you tighter together. Fear, anger, and desperation; he felt so many things—so many things running deeper than the ocean—but you swallowed them. 

“I’m not okay with this,” you murmured.

“I know. Here–” he guided your hands to his face, “Feel me,” he said.

You remember gasping when the floodgates opened. “I always feel you.” 

You stroked his delicate cheeks. He was here, home with you; why couldn’t he stay like that forever? Why did you have to let him go? Past, present, and future began to blur. 

I love you. He tuned out all other thoughts so you could hear him.

He was praying. He was hoping. Only a handful of times had he felt this way. You were so tightly interlaced that you could feel all of him without even trying, but that night, you tried. That night, he tuned out all of his self-deprecating thoughts. He allowed the silence of your connection to engulf him—for the city to disappear, and he allowed you in. 

I love you so much. Do you hear me? You’re everything to me. I love you.

Those three words weighed heavy like bricks on your heart. 

“Remember, three knocks,” he said aloud. “Don’t open for anyone else.”

“Three knocks,” you whispered in agreement. 

Three knocks like three words: I love you.

You read his mind, swallowing the words, but a big part of you wanted to spit them back out. You didn’t want to hear it. The universe was sending you a warning sign. 

Matt exhaled. He cupped your hands in his. The connection deepened, the string pulled tighter, and you became one. That night was the first night you saw glimpses of the future, and you didn’t want to accept it. You were such a fool to think everything could ever be fucking alright, both for you and for this magnificent force of a man you chose to call home—because home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling, and often enough, it’s a person.

He nuzzled his nose against yours. He kissed you. Softly, gently, passionately. You kissed him like you knew it would be the last time.

“I love you,” he repeated. 

The red flags waved, but you looked away. “I don’t want to say it back because you have to come back to me,” you confessed, “and this feels too much like a goodbye.”

He forced you to look at him instead. “Say it back, baby.”

“I love you,” you caved.

You shouldn’t have. You should have put up more of a fight. 

I will always come back to you. Cross my heart. He crossed his heart, but he hoped too much to die. Perhaps in not saying it out loud, he thought the truth would hurt less.

You refused to believe it until time had run out. You refused to cave until it happened. And when it happened, the city, for the first time since you’d arrived there, went completely quiet.

You followed him. Of course, you did. After a few hours of pacing the floor, you followed him. He was still in your head. You heard him from across the city, his thoughts loud and clear, and you could feel his pain like an inferno lighting up the night sky. 

When you arrived on that godforsaken rooftop though, you could only watch in horror as Spider-Man lifted the love of your life toward the sky. He wouldn’t accept your bargain. You offered yourself instead of him, but no; Peter Parker was not in the mood for bargaining. 

He lifted Matt toward the sky, and he drilled the dagger right through his chest. 

“No!” you screamed again. 

Silence. 

His blood ran through your fingers like quicksand, and sitting there, cradling Matt’s chest to yours as his heartbeat slowly faded into oblivion, you knew the end was near. The world could be so fucking unfair. You both died, but it was only his heart that stopped. You lost him that night, and your entire world stopped in an instant. 

You liked it better when he was angry with you. When he was loud, when he was laughing, even when he was just being sarcastic. You liked him better when he was alive. He turned into a ghost in your arms, forever and all eternity, and you fell face-first into the abyss. 

Maybe it was raining that night. Maybe you were being buried under the weight of your guilt and the never-ending flow of your tears. 

“I can’t…” you sobbed, tracing his cold cheek as the rain fell around you. “I can’t feel you.”

His heart stopped beating, and the invisible string pulverized. You watched it as it went with the wind. Without him. Without you. 

You screamed until your lungs gave out. Then, silence settled in. 

The night was quiet when he died; nothing but a sky full of stars and the endless black pit of death above and below you. 

The blood and his missing pulse weren’t the worst part, by far; the worst part was that you could no longer feel him, and that thought won’t ever not haunt you. 

You were certain that night. When you lost him, and you screamed your heart out, praying to a God you’ve never believed in, you swore to yourself that you would avenge him.

You were going to kill Peter Parker, and nothing in this world could ever stop you from watching this miserable motherfucker bleed to death. 

The bed shakes violently as you awaken. Dreams, so many dreams. Your nights are far from peaceful. They haven’t been for weeks. Months. What day is it? You don’t remember. 

Nightmares follow you like hunters after a fox. Your pajamas stick to your skin, and you’re sweating even though it is spring, and spring doesn’t have hot enough temperatures for you to be sweating quite like this. When you pull the comforter away in a sudden panic, the wetness seeping into your skin, there is nothing but white. No blood, no tears, just gaping emptiness in the farmhouse.

You pant heavily, dragging your nails across your skin. Your fingernails are tinted a charcoal black. In your heart, there had once been a bright red glow—like a ruby crystal sustaining your soul. You used it to channel other people’s thoughts. You could read them, you could hear them, and you could feel them. That Ruby has gone out now though; it has turned into a black smoke threatening to overtake anything it comes in contact with. 

The sun isn’t strong enough to break through the gray clouds. As you step out into the garden that stretches around your home, a gentle wind brushes through the bare branches of the dead trees. The wood is starting to splinter, turning hollow as sickness after sickness runs rampant through nature. 

You trace a finger over the poison ivy that has grown over the tombstone. The green fades, turning into a rotten brown. It dries out, and it dies right before your eyes, as do the roses you have been keeping in a vase ever since you laid a finger on the last bouquet. 

He liked the smell of roses, but you hated the look of it until Matt died, and suddenly, everything looked and smelled like a field of roses, reminding you of him. He was your daisy, your sunflower, setting fire to your freezing soul. He was sunshine, you were midnight rain. He liked to claim differently, but you wouldn’t let him. You may have been his sunshine, but out of the both of you, he shone the brightest. 

The poison ivy dies, and if you even manage to kill a plant with the word ‘poison’ in its name, what does that say about you? What has become of you; plotting a stranger’s death and killing the nature around you as you dive into books about mind-reading and dark magic to understand who you truly are? Dark magic sounds like a story out of a piece of fiction, but it’s far from that. 

You’ve known of your ability to manipulate the human mind ever since you discovered the creature hidden within you, the one who could touch another human being and see their thoughts so clearly. The one time you tried to manipulate someone, you caused them indescribably agony. You ruined their life. You broke them. You made them complicit and took all they were away from them, turning their fragile mind into ashes. That day, your fingers turned charcoal for the first time. 

If you try hard enough, you can kill him—Peter Parker. He took your husband and your city, now sitting in his ivory tower, overlooking the damage he’s done. He killed everyone and everything, even Wilson Fisk. He has taken the people of Hell’s Kitchen hostage, but no one has dared to make a move just yet, not since their beloved Daredevil disappeared off the face of the earth. With him, his Lady Red went as fast as she had come. 

You don’t want to fix what Spider-Man destroyed; you can’t get back what he took, nor do you want to, and the city doesn’t mean anything without Matt in it. 

You have to be the monster to kill another monster, only then you can join your husband in his tomb. Didn’t you vow to stay together, even in death? 

The city can burn, for all you care, but first, Peter Parker has to die. 

You scratch at the dirt in the engraving of his name. Matthew Michael Murdock. 1982 — 2023. Beloved husband and hero. 

You hate this. You hate that his grave is in your backyard, but this was the only place you knew his corpse would be safest. No one can touch him here, and you can talk to him, pretending you can still feel him. If you focus hard enough, you can still hear his voice in your head, telling you to move on. 

How could you though? How could you abandon all you’ve been through? You can fight, you can win or lose, but nothing will ever be the same again. And it is far from worth it to stay alive when he isn’t. You’ve made your decision; whether or not you’ve come to peace with it, that’s another story entirely. 

“Tonight is the night,” you murmur to the gravestone. Of course, you don’t receive an answer. 

Lately, you have been swearing to yourself you wouldn’t cry anymore, that there are no more tears left to shed, but every day, you end up crying anyway. It’s an endless cycle of despair.

You wipe your cheeks, untangling the chain that holds your golden wedding band close to your chest from around your neck. Gently, you guide it to your lips and press a kiss against the ring. 

“I love you,” you whisper.

For when you meet again in another life. 

You dig a small hole into the dry dirt where, six feet under, Matt is resting now. He always told you he would end up in hell when he died. You were never particularly religious before you met him, and when he struggled with his faith while you were together, you believed even less in an all-merciful God. Now though, with Matt gone and the world on the verge of falling apart and crushing you under its weight as you approach the biggest challenge of your life, the thought of ending up in an eternal life of nothingness after death—the thought of there being nothing but mindless darkness, no body, soul—scares you too much. Imagining the pits of hell or paradise with the love of your life, and reuniting with him, is a prospect you would rather see when you close your eyes than a world on fire. 

The necklace lands in the hole, and you cover it up. You couldn’t bring yourself to get rid of your ring before, but you won’t risk carrying it when you do what you are about to do.

Tonight, Peter Parker is going to show himself to all of New York City as the new mayor in all of his Spider-Man glory. He begged for you to come out, and he told the city he would be merciful in prosecuting you for the crimes you committed in the past alongside Daredevil. When you come out tonight though, you won’t surrender yourself. You will use the platform he is giving you and you will fight as you reveal him to Hell’s Kitchen and show the world who he is. You will tell Matt’s story, even if it’s the last thing you do. 

You have been burning for him for the longest time, and the flame is about to go out with a bang. 

That night, you put on the red suit Melvin made for you years ago before he lost his mind for what might be the last time. It has holes from where the moths dug their teeth into. The piece around the waist is starting to fade in color, and the leather is worn out, but it reminds you of simpler times. Better times. The black of your fingertips matches the lining of your outfit, and that’s all you need to feel the power sizzle deep within you.

You don’t have to remember the weather report because you can feel the rain soaking your skin through the fabric. The air smells salty, and it tastes the same on your cracked lips. Tonight, you will be Lady Red for the last time. Until the bitter end, you have sworn yourself. Matt did the same thing. You have to do him proud.

You make your way from that little farmhouse—your broken red castle—to the familiar streets of Hell’s Kitchen. Destruction surrounds you. The news didn’t do justice to what Peter has done to the city you once loved. But no one loved it more than Matt Murdock. 

Your fists clench at your sides. Oh, you want to tear this man limb by limb and feed him to the dogs. 

It starts with a low rumbling beneath your boots. You don’t pay much mind to it at first. You hide out on a rooftop across the courthouse. The spotlights are on, and he’s standing there at the podium, looking as though he is so proud of himself for ruining so many lives. You don’t usually experience joy when hurting people, but you will savor watching the life drain from Peter’s lifeless eyes. 

Your hands clench around Matt’s batons. The metal is heavy but flexible. You click your nails against them. Every move needs to be meticulously calculated, but tonight, the barons will remain in the holsters on your thighs. You won’t need them. You won’t need anything but your bare hands. 

You’re going back to your roots tonight.

The ground moves slightly, only a few inches. You could have missed it if you weren’t crouching to get a better look at the world below you. You catch yourself on the ledge, a frown finding its way on your face. 

“What the f–” you shake your head. Since when does thunder shake the ground?

You seem to be the only one who notices, or Peter Parker is better at brainwashing his decibels than you expected. He was born to be a dictator. His presence turned your fairytale into a dystopian tragedy.

“Tonight,” he says into his microphone, “is the last chance for Lady Red to reveal herself for a lesser sentence. A new era is on the horizon. I am your mayor, and I am Spider-Man. Without me, you would be nothing. Daredevil couldn’t save you. Wilson Fisk couldn’t save you. But I can, and after tonight, we will start anew. For this is the era of real heroes as we rebuild this city from the ground up, and we turn the City of New York, including Hell’s Kitchen, into its own world. Starting with the arrest of the criminal who is Daredevil’s accomplice Lady Red. I hope for her sake she will show herself tonight. If not, we will find her, and she will suffer the full extent of the consequences of her actions. That includes the Death Penalty.”

You land gracefully, catching yourself with your hand on the asphalt. The crowd parts with a gasp, and you finally stare into his eyes. 

After he drilled that dagger through Matt’s heart, he told you, “You will always be a monster, never a God.”

You deserve nothing, he thought. It has stuck with you since that night. Growing up, it was the only thing you heard. You were nothing but trash. A disgrace. A monster. What will they say when they see that you have finally become what they feared so much? 

You will burn down whatever is left of the world, including him. God knows you want to. 

Magic pulsates in the atmosphere like a growing spell in a small shoe box. The air vibrates, and the ground shakes again. This isn’t your doing, but the sudden charge that fills your veins as adrenaline sustains you. Your eyes glow red. This is who you were born to be. 

“I heard you were looking for me,” you declare. 

He doesn’t look surprised to see you. “Ah, just like clockwork,” he murmurs. “Are you going to make this hard on all of us or are you here to finally surrender yourself?” 

You purse your lips, playing with the energy between your fingers. “I came to destroy you.” Each step toward him on the big marble steps feels like a mile, and the crowd starts to move further back, dispersing in an attempt to save themselves. Most of them are eager to watch though. What has he done to them? 

“Destroy me?” Peter laughs, addressing the crowd again, “You see who you’ve been calling a hero all this time? This mutant? Look at her!”

All eyes are on you. They’re whispering. They’re speculating. Their thoughts overlap in disarray, and you’re drowning in a sea of judgment. They are trying to tear you down like sharks. You’re leaking blood, and God, they are angry. But it’s not you they’re angry at.

“You call me a mutant,” you say, “but wasn’t it you who was bit by a radioactive spider?”

His smile fades. 

“You are Spider-Man, no?”

“You are a wannabe hero with unregulated powers,” he snaps. His voice roars through the speakers, and the mood in the crowd starts to shift.

The ground vibrates again, stronger this time. You can’t be the only one feeling the quakes, but everyone else seems unmoved. They’re too focused on both of you to notice anything else, and you should do the same. However, the energy doubles and you are closer to bursting than ever. Something is happening, and you have no control over it.

Peter sneers. “You’re a failure,” he calls your name, “just like your husband!”

You stop dead in your tracks. Your eyes darken. “If you want to enforce the death penalty on me, Parker,” you growl, “why don’t you do it yourself?” 

Peter taps his chest, and his suit transforms into shades of black and spider webs. At that moment, panic erupts. People start running, but you tune them out.

The air begins to smell sour. Burnt. It is so high the pain consumes you whole. He doesn’t have to touch you to bring you to your knees, but looking up, you realize that it wasn’t Spider-Man who infused your ears with such a high frequency.

Someone is uttering a powerful spell, you can hear his voice in your head as he thinks of several names all over the place. Time passes by in a flash. Hours, days, weeks, and months. The universe falls out of control. The beeping picks up and you sink deeper into the ground.

You swear then and there that the sky starts to rip in two. The sky resembles a nasty cut on your forehead, a pair of hands ripping the cut further apart, causing the blood to pour out in rivers.

One of the cuts swallows you. With a scream, you fall through several rollercoasters passing by violet stars. 

The cut is a portal; one moment, you are flying through the sky at the highest possible speed, and the next, you hit the ground hard.

It’s not raining anymore. The sun shines down on you, and the heat creeps up your skin like tiny ants. The pain finally releases, but your head is still spinning. So many feelings, so many voices, and so many thoughts threaten to overwhelm you.

Not even an LSD trip hits that bad. You lazily open your heavy eyes to find not the courthouse but the New York skyline right before you.

You look down at your shaky hands. The charcoal is gone. The power in your veins feels different, all-consuming, but in no way bad. You take a deep breath. Even the oxygen tastes different. 

The world stops spinning, and you finally take a look around. A car honks, an SUV heading straight for your wobbly frame.

You’re in the middle of a road. What is it? A freeway.

Oh, shit!

You jump aside, hitting the sidewalk with a loud thud.

“Watch out, bitch!” the driver shouts out of his window. 

Where once used to be the courthouse, you are met with a street in the middle of downtown Hell’s Kitchen, New York. Stores line the side of the street. Tourists, foreigners, and those who are native to the city pass by you, and their gasps and whispers sound so different from the automatic voices Peter Parker raised them to be.

“Oh, no,” you breathe out. “Oh, no, no, no!” The air is getting thinner. 

“What are you thinking about, hm?” he asked into the darkness of the room. 

His heartbeat aligned with yours. His calloused fingertips traced your bare skin. You were in heaven. Beautiful, sinful heaven.  

His jawline appeared even sharper in the colorful lights from the billboard outside. His skin glowed white—paler than usual, even. You could stare into his eyes forever, such a beautiful hazel with hints of forest green. Perfect eyebrows, perfect lips. They bowed at the top, so kissable.

He pressed them to your bare shoulder blade, down your spine. The butterflies danced crazy in your tummy.

“You’re distracted,” he hummed again.

You chuckled, looking over your shoulder at the beautiful man in bed with you.

“Can’t help it when I’m with you,” you remember saying. 

Matt offered you his signature smirk. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. I quite like the view.”

“And when I do this?” He trailed another finger down your sensitive spine. 

You shuddered. “That, too.”

He did it again. “Tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours.”

“Thinking,” you said.

“About what?” he asked.

“A book I read.” You paused to turn on your back. “About the multiverse.”

It was a surprising change in subject, and he raised his eyebrows in a rather amused way. “The multiverse?” 

You nodded. “We know way too little about it. There could be more of me and more of you out there, and we don’t even know it,” you told him. “The multiverse… there is a chance it could be real. And that alone is terrifying because if it opens and we’re not prepared, chaos might ensue.”

He propped himself up on his elbow next to you, listening to the calming sound of your voice. It was always his favorite thing to do.

Matt used your voice as his podcast; it was his favorite, too. 

“Can we jump universes?” he wondered.

You shrugged. You didn’t know, at least not at the time. “Maybe,” you said. “But I’m not a scientist, let alone good at physics, so… let’s just go back to kissing. I’m much better at that.”

He laughed, but he did not object. At least with kissing, you both knew what you were doing. So, he brought his lips to yours, and the multiverse disappeared in a Bermuda Triangle of pleasure in your mind. Lost but not forgotten. 

Maybe.

But as you sit there, sliding back against the brick wall in the closest alley, you realize that you downplayed the probability. 

You were going to kill a man, but instead of blood on your hands, you are now cursed with the knowledge that the ‘maybe’ of your once-thought-silly pillow talk has always been very fucking real, and you have nowhere to run in this strange world you have fallen into that is New York City, Earth-616. 

Where do you run when you can go anywhere, just not home? 

Tagging: @nk1023 @sarahskywalker-amidala @ignore-mp3 @imonabitchparade @familyvideowithsteve @eyelessdemon

[bohemiaisdeadbutimnot]

DAY 3 | WED, 12/06/23

Solid foods I ate today -in chronological order- were: Apple, Baby carrots, Hummus, Turkey sandwich, Sausage/Broccoli pizza slice, Chicken noodle soup, Apple.

Update: Mother came to my room, small cookie in hand, and made me "taste-tester." At least it was a small shortbread. Another reminder I have no true privacy anymore. Not under this roof.

Recently, I've been cutting down on snacking and am instead eating more distinct, time-relevant meals. This, combined with eating more fresh produce, has led to decreased night/post-dinner carb cravings.

More people around me are acknowledging that I've appeared or behaved "down" or "gloomy" recently. My parents, my friends, my aunts of different coasts. I'm just sad to them.

It's nice to be recognized. It allows me to save energy rather than perform happiness most nights.

The scale was the same again today. Part of me feels as though I've slipped into an alternate realm or purgatory state in which I cannot move forward. I swim upstream and nothing changes. Not my environment, not my body, not my location. My state is as is, and shall remain as such.

Have I truly gone crazy? Have my years of proper food recording gone out the window, and I'm suddenly eating 3000 cals a day without recollection? Or have I just become dramatic and I'm still on my period thus the number remains the same.

The number, the number, the number...

[ragesin]

𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝙸𝙽𝚃𝙴𝚁𝚅𝙸𝙴𝚆. ( repost, don’t reblog )

NAME: Meliodas / ████████ ( Tallwch ) ALIAS: Meliodas the ‘Love’, Dragon's Sin of Wrath, Destroyer, Devil AGE: physically - 435 ( early to mid 20s in human scaling ) | chronologically - about 3600 | purgatory - uh, millions upon millions of years. probably more since a real world minute is a year in turbo hell  ( ex. 16 yrs = about 8 million yrs )  and his soul spent about 3000 yrs in there. FAMILY: The Demon King / ██████████, his father. [redacted], his mother. They’re both dead. Well, the latter is. The first one is... ??? Anyways, his dad’s been physically annihilated from the plane of existence. He’s not coming back anytime soon. Zeldris / ███████, his brother. Mael / Estarossa, the adopted one. SIGNIFICANT OTHER: Elizabeth, in some form or another.

𝙿𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙾𝙽𝙰𝙻.

RELIGIOUS BELIEF:  His father is a god and is a prominent figure in many beliefs, but he himself has no belief in some higher power outside of the fundamental forces of the world and fate. In certain circles given his status, he is the subject of religious belief, which he finds weird when he hears about it. He likes praise but that kind of devotion is too much. SINS: greed  /  gluttony  /  sloth  /  lust  /  pride  /  envy  /  wrath VIRTUES:  chastity  /  charity  /  diligence  /  humility  /  kindness  /  patience  /  justice PRIMARY GOALS IN LIFE: To remove the Demon King’s curse and the Supreme Deity’s curse, in that order. It doesn’t matter to him if he dies but he wants to ensure the survival of Elizabeth and his loved ones. If given the chance to, he wants to continue to travel with the friends he considers family until everyone finds their places in their lives. Maybe then... he’ll find it possible to find some sort of peace within himself. KNOWN LANGUAGES: Demon language ( native ). Common Brittonic ( Celtic ). Old English. He can pick up on a foreign language quickly due to the nature of his native tongue, though it takes some time to adjust and get it to a decent conversational point. He also knows a small amount of the goddess language ( enochian ). He’s not fluent in it, but he knows enough to insult someone. SECRETS:  He’s full of secrets. Some he will never come to terms with. The last time he had nothing to hide has long faded from his memory. Can and will unapologetically lie if asked about them, even to those closest to him. SAVVIES:  Training. Fishing. Cooking. Smithing.

𝙿𝙷𝚈𝚂𝙸𝙲𝙰𝙻.

BUILD:  scrawny  / bony  /  slender /  fit  /  athletic  /  curvy  /  herculean /  pudgy  /  average HEIGHT: 152 cm SCARS / MARKS: Most scars don’t stick thanks to the accelerated healing rate of being a higher class demon, but its not perfect. He used to have a large diagonal cut alongside his right side from his first encounter with Mael, among other scars throughout his body mostly obtained in childhood, however the Goddess Elizabeth unintentionally removed them. The immortality curse gradually restores his body and eventually any scars he obtains will fade  ( he had seven scars on his chest from Estarossa but by the Corand arc they’re gone ). He has burn marks on his left hand post Demon King arc. His fingers are very hard and tough, calloused. ABILITIES / POWERS:  He’s got a lot so his primary traits will be listed. Swordsmanship, hand to hand combat, inhuman strength, affinity for fire. Selective magic immunity via Full Counter. His True magic. The physiology of a high class demon. He was considered second only his father, so due to this - while he’s still a mortal - he fringes closer to having god like attributes. RESTRICTIONS:  Himself. He’s his own greatest enemy and his emotions are a double edged sword. The rage he has pushes him but can become all consuming, so control of himself over a certain strength threshold often hinges on his emotional state and can easily be lost if he’s not careful. His own thoughts can stop him from action or cause him to take unnecessary action. His communication skills are pretty awful. He tends to not communicate to others very well and it can be difficult to understand him if you don’t know him  ( like how any strategic directions he gives are geared towards those who already know what he means ). Even then, he’s at risk of causing misunderstandings. The light magic of the Goddess clan. Things imbued with their holy light have a greater chance of harming him.

𝙵𝙰𝚅𝙾𝚁𝙸𝚃𝙴𝚂.

FOOD: Pork simmered in ale. In general he has a preference for meat, especially dragon meat, and if it’s roasted. He also loves herb grilled beef and honey pudding. DRINK: Vanya ale. PIZZA TOPPING: Pizza didn’t exist but it had he would’ve tossed all the meat options on there. COLOUR: White & green. MUSIC GENRE:  Classical secular orchestral pieces. Really, music isn’t something he indulges in so he doesn’t mind what he listens to really as long as it’s passable and not full of screeching. BOOK GENRE: Epics are most his style, and he’s read a lot over the years. Also he’s read the occasional lyrical poetry piece and found himself more intrigued by the chivalric romances than he’d care to admit. However, given the time period, many works were centered in religious beliefs back then ( God / the Goddess Clan ie Supreme Deity ) so he tended to avoid those. MOVIE GENRE: They had plays back then so... He found himself most amused by theatrical stage plays centered on adventure and dark comedy. SEASON: Summer. CURSE WORD:  Bastard & damn. SCENT(S): Canonically ?  Elizabeth ( described as gentle flowers and refreshing fruits. a crisp, fruity floral scent: citrus, cherry blossoms, patchouli, and vanilla ). Petrichor. Cinnamon. Vanya ale.

𝚁𝙰𝙽𝙳𝙾𝙼.

BOTTOM OR TOP: He’ll tell you he’s a threat ( used to be strictly top but now ?  top leaning, very flexible switch ). SINGS IN THE SHOWER: Sometimes he hums. LIKES BAD PUNS: If it reaches the right threshold of terrible, you may get a chuckle out of him.

[winchesterborn]

verse tag drop 

˚ 　　purgatory 　 .　　 . ⊹   a merciless wind is knocking at my door ˚ 　　the beginning 　 .　　 . ⊹   i’m just here flying off the deep end ˚ 　　huntercorp 　 .　　 . ⊹   i’ve been to the year 3000 ; not much has changed but they live underwater ˚ 　　a human life 　 .　　 . ⊹   i’ll give it all i got ; that is my plan ˚ 　　main 　 .　　 . ⊹   and way down we go ˚ 　　crack 　 .　　 . ⊹   what team ?? 

˚ 　　mid series 　 .　　 . ⊹   i made a fist and not a plan call me a reckless wrecking ball

[itsuki-minamy]

"SUZUKI SUZU" COMMENT ON "LIMITED KINGSHIP, WAR STORIES"

* Mini Episodes KFCN (List of Chapters) * Projects & Chapters

Translation: Naru-kun

Along with the final episode of "Limited Kingship, War Stories", I wrote what was decided. Because it includes the spoilers for the latest story, I've covered it. The initial plan, the comment of each story and the origin of the character's name. There are around 3000 characters, so read it when you have time.

Introduction:

"We will close the fan clan at the end of this year, so please write something during the extension period."

It was earlier this year that they told me that. 6 stories, from June to December. It doesn't matter, but the number 6 is good. This is because it is divisible by 1, 2, 3 or 6. The number 7 is also a prime number and it is wonderful. Have you already bought Seven Stories?

The theme was "everything is fine", but honestly, I felt like I had almost exhausted what I could do with K's main story. Have you ever seen K's time series chart? It's too tight and I think it's scheduling gimmick stuff, really.

By the way, we had a problem to digest. You already know "Ground Zero". The day before, "Before Zero", was also serialized the year before. At the same time, when I was serializing "Side Purple", I thought "I think it's possible to put it next to such an interesting story", but that's why I really liked "Before Zero". I am a Tachi influenced by what I like. In fact, the second half of "Side Purple" has been significantly affected.

So I offered to write a story from "Before Zero" to "Ground Zero", and it was successfully passed. I've done it, I can draw ruthless carnage in K's world.

"First of all, it's a story even before zero leads to ground zero."

"There is a demand for that spin-off from the day before the spin-off that has not yet come out."

It was not a surprise, but I stayed silent because it would be better if I could write what I liked and earn money.

As for the contents, at the beginning, like "Surugajo Gozen Game" and "Koga Ninpocho", a metamorphosis swordsman is released from "Scepter 4" and "Purgatory", and which one wins?! I was tense! I was thinking about something like that, but stopped because the demand that was already small would be even less.

"An older brother with burned legs stands on the shoulders of his younger brother with burned arms and turns into a flame giant."

"The jealousy of Kagutsu, an acrobat who entered Purgatory to excel, defies battle."

I was thinking about that...

I had to do 6 episodes, so I wrote 2 episodes of "red", 2 episodes of "blue", 2 episodes of "red and blue", and characters like Habari and Zenjo. It was decided like this. The number 6 is good because it is divisible by 2 or 3.

It was said that the number should be about 2,000 characters, but as Clansman writes new characters, careers, and dramas, more than 10,000 characters became commonplace. You can be a writer even if you are crazy.

The title became "Limited Kingship, War Stories" after the cool word "Limited Kingship, War" that appeared in "Before Zero". It was great.

What I like most about "Limited Kingship, War Stories" is the title "Limited Kingship, War Stories".

That is why I will do something like a comment on each story.

Episodes 1 and 2:

"Butterflies & Mantis" and "Hekireki & Senden" are stories of "red" and "blue", respectively. The concept is "member of the clan who has belonged to a clan that should not belong".

Maruha was drawn as a person who was too decent for "Purgatory" and Kuse was too crazy for "Scepter 4". Kuse has inherited the metamorphosis sword fighter gene, which was the initial plan.

So I wondered what if Maruha went into "Scepter 4" and Kuse went into "Purgatory", but it probably wouldn't work. Maruha is not that decent, and Kuse has a fushi that despises antisocial organizations. In the first place, these two people are not fit to live.

Before we started, I thought, "let's kill all the new characters so they don't affect them later," so I started writing while thinking about the best way to kill them. I'm glad they both died satisfied.

Although the name comes from, it was thought that Maruha was a younger brother of Hiragi, so it came from a plant called "Maruba holly". He's a pretty faithful guy, so he's loyal. He somehow he looks like a dark Kamamoto.

Kuse is a member of the clan which is an acronym for "Q" which means "question" in the alphabet. He's just a mystery to obsessed goodness. He had the image of Sojiro Seta from "Rurouni Kenshin", so his name turned out like this.

Episodes 4 and 5:

"The Shinigami and the Hounds" and "Drunk with the King" are stories of "blue" and "red", respectively. The concept was "King and vassal", but it was a bit out of place.

The initial plan of "The Shinigami and the Hounds" was a confrontation between Habari and a blind sniper, but I stopped it because I couldn't help thinking about it. When I was thinking of a combination to face various things like Akio and Hayatoshi, Shiotsu and Zenjo, the hunting dog's good move that "the moment I heard Habari got shot, I went straight and smelled" was interesting. That is why it happened like this. Also, Magome is the owner of the metamorphosis sword fighter gene. He is not a sword fighter.

"Magome foresaw the role of Zenjo" and "Habari who knew it smiled bitterly" were ideas that came up when I approached him for a consultation within GoRA. He is very good. Regarding Zenjo, the impression of "a dog that forgets everything if food is served" was interesting.

"Drunk with the King" is, well, a comedy as you read it. The idea was from the story of Kusanagi, who was drunk and dressed as a K story, and I thought it would be interesting if Soma was drunk and woke up among the dead.

Before we started, there was an agreement that "I would not write about Kagutsu", so when I asked "how about drawing the monster level from Dragon Quest?", they said it was fine, so it happened like this. Cool, huh? I like that Kagutsu, where brains flutter.

Hayato Magome's name comes from the Japanese mythology "Ame no Makagoya" and "Ame no Habaya". The image is like a fusion accident that occurred when Anna and Totsuka were linked by the devil. I didn't realize it when I was writing, but I can see the influence of "Golden Kamuy" everywhere, like where body fluid eagerly seeps through and where superiors are happy to be scrawled.

There is nothing from Murata in particular. A person who has just died. Sorry.

Episodes 3 and 6:

"Blue Clothes & Black Clothes" and "Aiseki 1999" are stories of "red and blue", respectively. The concept is "a story about people who were killing each other" and "a story about people who were close friends who were killing each other".

There is nothing but a concept, in any case.

Personally, I like the character of Mina in "Blue Clothes & Black Clothes". A humanly weak girl with fierce ability and a fierce personality. This is probably the first time a "female member of the "Purgatory" clan has appeared...", so it was good in that regard as well. I like the fact that she could use the color of the clothes as a metaphor for my position. Also, the story of Yata and Fushimi fighting together in the basement, which came out in the comic, is also a shitajiki.

At first, "Aiseki 1999" was supposed to be a new character on the "Scepter 4" side, but I decided to use Shiotsu because he seemed like he could be used. It is a story in which the positions of the two friends separate and kill each other in the flow of time that cannot be avoided. It was also good that the killings happened by force because of Akio's sympathy. Shiotsu has only had one terrible eye, right?

The name comes from "Takemikazuchi" for Kazumada Takechi and "Takeminakata" for Mitsuna Nakata. The gods who fight.

Takamuro Kunikatsu is from the "Takamuro Shrine" dedicated to "Shiotsuchi no Oji" and the alias "Kotokatsu Kunikatsu Nagasagami".

Conclusion:

It was a lot of fun writing "Limited Kingship, War Stories". It was serialized in a short period of half a year, but I hope those who read it enjoy it.

See you soon.

[dracophile]

So I’m rewatching The Mummy movies with my mom and enjoying them, but something that always bugged me was Imhotep in the first movie thinks Evie is Anck Su Namun and starts going after her.

And the first time years ago I figured it was that he could see her spirit and Evie was the reincarnation of Anck Su Namun, but was obviously a different person.

Then the sequel came out and lo and behold, Evie isn’t Anck Su Namun, she’s the incarnation of the pharoh’s daughter Nefertiti! (Which...I’m gonna say is not that Nefertiti...) 

and Anck Su Namun was reincarnated and looking for Imhotep

Which awesome, but confusing...why choose the lady that looked like the daughter of the man he killed because he wanted to bang the man’s wife? That’s some Jerry Springer shit.

But anyway, I figured maybe being stuck in a sarcophogus/purgatory for 3000 years, Imhotep might’ve been confused and got his ladies mixed up, or maybe he really did just want to use Evie as a sacrifice and she’d look like Ancky later. But he kisses Evie while calling her Anack su namun’s name so that also doesn’t seem right.

But then mom pointed out that when he got his new eyes, he took them from the American known as Burns. The guys who had a Velma Dinkley moment when he was caught and couldn’t find what? HIS GLASSES

I now theorize that Imhotep confused Evie/Nefertiti and Anack su Namun because he couldn’t see well, choosing the one guy who wore glasses to steal his eyes from!

[demonprincezeldris]

The next time Meliodas makes it to the battlefield, Zeldris is... a little frightened. Not OF him, FOR him. He'd noticed something was off about Meliodas since he came back, but hoped it would pass.

Meliodas flung a shocked Ludociel away from possibly even MORE shocked civilians, and stood in front of them protectively, gripping Lostvayne. "Pr-Prince Meliodas! You're alive!!" He glanced and gave them a small smile before Ludociel finally reacted.

"YOU!! How are you here, I killed you!"

And Meliodas does something unexpected.

He laughs.

"Oh, Lucy, you haven't figured it out yet? I'm immortal, courtesy of the gods! And here's the best part!" He's grinning, looking kind of unhinged. "Everytime I revive I come back STRONGER! And every time, I come back less. Sane. All you're doing by killing me is making a more powerful opponent who slowly loses grasp of their morals. It's great, isn't it?" He laughs. "Because guess what?? I've been trying to kill myself for 3000 fucking years!!!" And with that he flung himself at Ludociel.

The Archangel was in a bit of a state of shock. Melanthius had ALWAYS been gentle in the Celestial realm, even during BATTLE to an extent. This... was disturbing. Like he was ENJOYING trying to rip him to shreds. He managed to beat Melanthius back enough that he could retreat, while the Demon called "Coward!" After him.

Meliodas looked back to the Civilians, who were staring at him with varying amounts of shock and horror. "Hey. Sorry, I know that my whole coming back from the dead thing is kind of a lot, but you get used to it. Is anyone injured?"

"...I have a cut on my arm..." a little girl whispered, and he directed his attention to her. "You do? Ok, let me see." He kneeled next to her and showed him her arm. Indeed, there was a decent sized gash there. "Ooh, that looks like it's gotta hurt." He murmured sympathetically. He brought a hand over it and a pale purple glow emitted from his palm, washing over the wound. It stitched together with bonds of darkness, and sealed the wound. "There. Thats better, right? It should hold just as long as you don't jerk it around too much, until we can get the actual healers to attend to you."

She looked at it, then him with teary eyes and threw her arms around his neck, squeezing tightly. "Please don't die again, Prince Meli, we missed you!!"

"Oh..." His eyes were wide, a little startled, but then he softened and hugged her back. "Sorry. I'll try my best, ok?"

He was guiding them back to their homes when Zeldris finally managed to catch up to him. "Meliodas..." He started quietly, having heard his little outburst on the field. "Can I speak with you?"

"Sure. How about we talk once I get these people back home, ok?"

"...Yeah. alright."

He gives the little girl one last hug before ushering her off to her parents. He and Zeldris flew away before he took a breath.

"Meliodas, what you said on the field today... that wasn't a bluff, was it?"

"...No. When reviving, the cost to getting my powers back is a bit of my emotions. I remember having them, but I don't feel them anymore. Everytime I come back, everything gets a little duller. But because I lose more of my emotions, I get more power in return. I don't care for it, honestly, but that's how it works."

"...And the other part?"

"..."

"Meliodas, please. Talk to me. Tell me you don't actually want to kill yourself, tell me that was an- an exaggeration, or something!"

"...Then I would be lying."

"Mel..." He sounded hurt, and Meliodas felt a twinge of guilt. He mustered a smile, sad though it was, as he looked at him.

"Zeldris... You're my brother, and I love you, I really, really do. I don't want to see you upset. But I have not wanted to be alive for ME in 3000 years. Still, it beats the alternative." He shrugged. "Everytime I die, I end up in Purgatory, with the Demon King, who is apparently my FATHER. That messed me up, not gonna lie. He tortures me for a bit, feeds on my emotions, then chucks me back to Brittania when I revive." Zeldris was looking at him with horror, but now that he was finally, actually, talking about it, it was bubbling up, like he couldn't stop it. "I don't LIKE to die, because Purgatory fucking sucks. But living... it's EXHAUSTING. I don't WANT to, if it was up to me, I'd die and not come back so I could maybe, just maybe, get some fucking rest. I'm TIRED, Zeldris. I stuck around for Ellie, for the handful of friends I've made over the centuries. But everyone dies eventually, and I'm left behind again. There's this one friend I've got, you know Ban. He's immortal, and for the first time I thought... maybe I could have a friend that doesn't leave me behind. But I don't deserve him, not really. And then YOU came along and yeah, I was scared at first, because I KNEW you were gonna kill me, and I didn't particularly WANT to go through all of that again. But then you didn't and you've been so kind to me, and you're my BROTHER, which is insane and incredible and I really really love you. But you'll leave me eventually too. Everyone does. I can't help but get attached, even when I try not to, which means it always hurts all the more."

"Mel..." Zeldris whispered. "Why didn't you... why didn't you tell me?"

"What good would it have done? It would have only upset you, just like it's upsetting you now."

"You shouldn't- You shouldn't bear this alone! You should have talked to me, I could have helped you sooner!"

"How would you have helped? How can you break a curse put on me and Elizabeth by the GODS. I've been trying to find a way for 3000 years, and I've. Got. Nothing."

"I dunno, a new perspective, someone with more understanding of demonic magic, a- a shoulder to cry on if nothing else!"

"....."

"...Meliodas..." He drifted over so he hovered in front of him, and pushed his bangs back gently as he held his face. "Please. Don't hide yourself from me. Let me, at the very least, be someone you can talk to. I can't lose you, Little One. I don't want to lose you because I didn't do enough to help you while I had you."

Meliodas finally looked up at him, eyes a little shiny. "I'm sorry..." He whispered. "But I don't- I can't- I'm so TIRED of being alone, but it's better than having someone and then having them taken by time or battle or sickness or whatever kills them this time!"

Zeldris made a little wounded noise and pulled him in to a gentle cradle. Meliodas hugged him back tightly, fingers digging into his back as he broke down, finally, sobbing into his chest, letting his big brother take the burden, hold him up, just for now. "I don't know how to help you." Zeldris whispered against his hair. "But I won't be leaving anytime soon, I'm not the most powerful demon for nothing. We have time, at least, to figure it out, because even if I don't know how yet, I WILL figure it out, ok?" He whimpered a little and nodded. Zeldris picked him up gently and squirreled him away to their nest, rocking him, caressing him, soothing him, and just letting him get it all out. He fell asleep after awhile and Zeldris pressed a hard kiss to his forehead, wiping some of the wetness off his blotchy cheeks. "You gave me my hope back, little one. I'll find a way to bring yours back, too. I'll fix this."

This was so sad to read! 🥺

[diminuel]

For a while I entertained the idea of trying to attend the winter JIB but the vet bill ended up being around 3000$. I don’t really want to go to JIB apart from wanting to experience being in fandom spaces and having that sense of missing out on something special. I’ve been to one Purgatory Con though some years ago and while it was nice to have attended, I didn’t enjoy photo OPs and I didn’t enjoy autographs and the overall stress. So I think it’s fine not to go...

I just have weird emotional conflict about it but in the end it isn’t a tragedy.

[nyahuaisang]

The Grand ‘Rutile is a Psychopath’ Theory

I initially posted this in the r/LandofTheLustrous reddit but I figured I’d post it here too. Well, let’s go :3

It's not apparent until the later chapters in the manga but Rutile has a seriously fucked up view on Padpa. They appear to care about padpa sine the two were partners before but when phos proposes a way to heal padparascha, they refuse, saying it would only matter if they fixed padpa themselves. Now, we don't know how long padparascha's been awake and asleep but judging by how quickly they lost conscious after talking with phos, it's pretty obvious they're unconscious significantly more then not. And they're the second oldest gem after yellow. this means they've been in this situation for about 3000 yrs. 3000 YEARS. Padparascha has constantly been in this predicamant of not dying but not truly living, waking up to gems living out their lives but not being able to stay conscious long enough to join, and that has to be the most frustrating feeling ever. They're forced to be a spectator in their own life and they can't even choose to give up, to die, because rutile keeps waking them up. And the worst part is, rutile's not even waking them up because they care about padpa's wellbeing.  Remember what I said about rutile refusing a way to heal padpa? Rutile states that it wouldn't matter unless they fixed padpa themselves. I repeat, Rutile would rather leave padpa in this gut wrenching purgatory of not being able to truly live but not allowed to die then jump at the possibility of padpa recovering if it meant they couldn't revive padpa themselves. In episode 12, Rutile states that "if I can't save you, I'm only a doctor in name".

Note how the first time we see padpa active, rutile wasn't fazed at all when padparascha fell unconscious again, as if relieved that they still have a purpose in life. You'd think that if getting that ruby was as rare as they made it out to be, rutile would be more upset that it only kept padpa conscious for however long the conversation they had with phos went for and that they couldn't spend that time with them.

This says that what rutile wanted wasn't padparascha recovering, that they didn't care about their wellbeing, but rather the confirmation that saving padpa would bring them.  They either only want the satisfaction of saving a gem that couldn't be saved, or they saw padpa as their purpose in life, that if padpa didn't need to be fixed, they wouldn't be a true doctor and have no reason to live, thus wanted padpa to constantly be in that predicament where they need Rutile's help.

And the manga even lowkey confirms this, through a small symbolism.

As Rutile is walking to sensei for a consultation(or wherever they were going, it doesn't really matter), they are wearing their coat. When Jade tells them Phos left with the other, Rutile sprints back to their sick bay and as they run, their coat falls off.

At this moment, Rutile is in extreme fear of losing Padparascha, the one thing that ground them into their title as Doctor, their main, possibly sole, reason for existing, and this coat falling off represents them feeling their title being stripped away. And then we get this shot.

Two major things that are always associated with Rutile is missing in this panel, their coat and Padparascha. The coat Rutile usually wears is one which doctors are often seen wearing, both in media and in real life and it differentiates doctors from non-doctors. It represents Rutile's role in the gems' society and the fact that it is missing same time Padparascha is also missing implies that it and Padparascha are one and the same: Rutile's status as the Doctor in the gem's society.

I've always found this scene interesting because Rutile never puts that coat on again. Because Padparascha is gone, along with their need to be fixed, Rutile has lost what they believed to be the thing that rooted them to the title of doctor and the coat being dropped and never put back on conveys this: that in their own mind, Rutile is no longer the Doctor.

Also note how Rutile attacks Padparascha even after seeing them moving ad healthy and after Yellow asks "Padparascha woke up! Isn't that what you want?!", Rutile replies with "My own.."

This pretty much confirms that Rutile wanted Padpa in that state of helplessness and in need of repair. The original japanese that Rutile says actually directly translate out to just “my...” so Rutile’s words is probably somethng more akin to “my title..” or “my role..” but “my own..” could be them saying “it has to be by my own hands for it to matter, because it’s my role” so either way, it basically confirm the main point.

And padparascha knows how obsessed rutile is about them but chooses to prioritize rutile's feelings over their own.

Some people has said that padpa seems to be controlled because they're too much on phos' side(and that could still be a possibility, who knows what aechmea wouldve put in them) but we don't know anything about padpa before being cured. We've had one scene with them so far. For all we know, they were always like this. And can you imagine how relieved they must be when they woke up on the moon to phos? They're finally free of their eternal sleep. They can finally act on how they'e truly feeling and make their own decisions and finally LIVE THEIR OWN LIFE. And who pulled them out of that purgatory? Not rutile, not sensei, PHOS. To padpa, phos is the first person who've truly cared about their wellbeing and if that isn't enough to justify them siding completely with phos, idk what does.

[theexecutionerssong]

Hello, darling! I wanted to say thank you for reblogging that Destiel fic "Ninety One Whiskey" yesterday because it made me read it and I absolutely love it! So I was just wondering if you have any other recommendations? This was my very first Destiel fanfiction, I've never read anything from SPN fandom before so I'm very unware of those tresures out there! :)

ahhhh you have no idea how happy that makes me! here are a few of my favorites that I’m copy pasting from my old fic rec page. Most are a few years old, I’ve got way more and some more recent ones too if you’d rather. They are all deancas centered. If they aren’t online anymore then let me know and I can send you the file as I’ve got over 3000 saved lmao also I LIVE AND BREATHE for angst, if I don’t cry my eyes out at some point then what’s the point sdfghjk you’ve been warned

‘Til the Last by miss_grey (American Civil War AU, my fav ever, probably)

When the war came, Dean Winchester was determined that he was not going to get involved. He had more important things to worry about than some rich man’s fight. He had work on the farm and he had taking care of his family. Nothing else was worth his worry. But in August in the Year of Our Lord 1863, when the soldiers came knocking, they weren’t asking. They dragged Dean away.

Dean and Cas have been best friends since they were kids. When Dean is drafted into the Confederate army, to what lengths will Castiel go to ensure that Dean makes it back home alive?

Exonerated by thecouchcarrot (thriller AU)

Years ago, Dean Winchester was the detective who put serial killer Castiel Goodwin behind bars. Last spring, Cas was proven innocent and his conviction overturned. Neither could’ve predicted the way their lives would intertwine…

Lost Souls by thelastknownwriter (thriller AU)

Homicide detective Dean Winchester is thrust into a past he has tried hard to forget when he finds himself leading a manhunt for an unlikely killer: his childhood best friend, Castiel.

Painted Angels by WinJennster (human AU, so much damn angst but damn it’s worth it)

Author Castiel Novak has finally hit the big time, with a book based on his failed college relationship with a brilliant painter. He’s put all his pain behind him, but at a book signing, he comes face to face with Dean Winchester for the first time in twelve years, and the reunion doesn’t go like Cas hoped. Dean’s a broken man, with a lot of scars and secrets, shoulders weighed down by his demons and self loathing.Cas sees a second chance with the man he’s never stopped loving, but Dean’s moved on, and is about to get married. Sam launches a “brilliant” plan to reunite his brother and his best friend, but Cas is worried it will all blow up in their faces, and he’ll go through the agony of losing Dean a second time.Out of the Deep by riseofthefallenone (merman AU)

Stay away from the light-beds. Stay in the deep.It is the first thing hatchlings are taught the moment their fans unfurl and they can swim without their parents to buoy them along. It is the first rule, the first law. It is the beginning of every boogey-monster bedtime story told when they settle against the cliffs to sleep.Castiel should have listened better. 

To Raise A King by riseofthefallenone (medieval/royalty AU)

This must be some kind of horrible joke at Castiel’s expense. Is he truly expected to protect a King? One who has been their enemy for as long as he can remember? He is much more suited to being a part of the army, or at the very least someone who helps to train the knights. That would be far more preferred than having to watch over the King. It means Castiel would get to keep fighting – and that’s the only way he knows to give meaning to his life.

Tramps Like Us by mkhunterz (human AU)

Dean Winchester’s life is falling apart. He’s lost his job, his apartment, and his brother, all in one day. He seems to break everything he touches. Frustrated and alone, he drives off into the night with no idea where he’s headed. But then he meets Castiel Novak, a quiet and reclusive man with a haunted past, and suddenly he finds himself with a very specific destination in mind.

Kiss You When It’s Dangerous by zoemathemata (thriller canon divergent AU)

When his partner Uriel, betrays him, Federal Agent Castiel Novak is saved from becoming a ritual sacrifice by brothers Dean and Sam Winchester. Discovering the world of the supernatural and learning about werewolves, wendigoes, vampires and things that go bump in the night also leads to learning more about Dean and the strange life he and his brother lead. The more he learns, the more Castiel finds himself drawn into Dean’s world and toward Dean himself.

Until Uriel wants to complete the ritual he started.

Pick It All Up by thepinupchemist (human AU)

Army veteran Castiel Novak is a wreck after his tour in Afghanistan, brought home to his brother’s apartment in Lawrence, Kansas with scars both mental and physical. He copes poorly, and during one night of bad decision making, meets somebody just as much of a disaster as he is – a prostitute named Dean Winchester. And suddenly, two damaged men might not be as irreparable as they believed.

The Bird That Feels The Light by ratgerastory (canon, no romance, Dean is a 5 year old but it’s the first I read almost 10 years ago and one of my favorites ever)

AU from 5.18 (or thereabouts). Castiel awakens in the middle of a smoking crater, stranded and very much human. According to the people who have discovered him, it’s six months to the day after Michael and Lucifer faced off on the field of battle outside of Detroit, and Castiel isn’t the only one to have returned. When, at his insistence, they take him to this other person, he finds a child –a little boy– and realizes that, contrary to all his expectations, he has been reunited with Dean Winchester. The world has changed in their absence, and not for the better. Sam is gone, whether dead or simply missing is uncertain. Castiel is given the name of a man in Idaho who may have answers for him. He is faced with the task of travelling cross-country with Dean, who is dependent on him now in ways he never was before, in order to discover the truth. But along the way, as he and Dean learn to know and trust each other once more, Castiel begins to realize that the answers he thought he wanted might not be the ones he needs. 

the inexhaustible silence of houses by Askance (canon, I adored it but it left me in pieces, it took me weeks to get over it)

Almost two years after the world doesn’t end, Castiel falls from grace—and loses his voice in the process. It is the impetus for confession and change; before long, he is settling into a loving relationship with Dean, the Winchesters are tired, and hunting for a place to land has taken precedence to hunting anything else. Dean and Castiel fall in love with the strange little house on the end of Swallowtail Drive, and for a little while life is as it should be—sweet, affectionate, and beginning afresh. But more and more Castiel sees and hears things in the house that beg the question of whether or not a place itself can be alive. The walls and rooms seem to shift and grow and breathe, and one night, Dean comes home from a hunt changed in a way that Castiel cannot explain. In the months that follow, their domestic bliss takes turns for the dark and sour, and the confusion of their circumstances will ultimately test everything Castiel knows about the man he loves, and everything he believes to be true.

Last Man Standing by cerulea (canon, purgatory!verse)

Picking up exactly where we left off at the end of Season 7, Cas and Dean are stranded together in Purgatory struggling both to save their lives and their friendship amidst constant peril.

After The Fire by Themista (canon, end!verse)

Starting in 2013 and going through 2014 this is the story of Dean and Cas in their ill-fated quest to find the colt and shoot the devil - set in the endverse alternate reality seen in 5x04 The End. The apocalypse poses Dean and Cas many threats along the way, as they have to contend with the croats and Lucifer’s demons, led by Meg, all while trying to work out whether they can trust the infamously devious demon Crowley, with whom they already have a bloody history.

Twist and Shout by standbyme and gabriel (human 60-70s AU) (I don’t care how divisive and unpopular recommanding this one is, I was skeptical going in but it’s been years and I still have to skip Can’t Help Falling In Love and Twist and Shout when they come on shuffle in my playlists, that fic destroyed me))

What begins as a transforming love between Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak in the summer of 1965 quickly derails into something far more tumultuous when Dean is drafted in the Vietnam War. Though the two both voice their relationship is one where saying goodbye is never a real truth, their story becomes fraught with the tragedy of circumstance. In an era where homosexuality was especially vulnerable, Twist and Shout is the story of the love transcending time, returning over and over in its many forms, as faithful as the sea.

I also read ABO fics but I don’t know if you’re into that so I’m not including any in this list ^^ enjoy, let me know if you find something you like!

[coffin-of-eternal-darkness]

Thank you for over 3000 followers

I reached 3000 followers a while ago and even though I didn’t do anything for my other milestones, I thought I should make a post about this one (though I couldn’t think of anything special). After all, 3000 is most likely the highest I will get and it really is an amazing number, considering I’m not doing anything special XD Kinda fitting too. In NnT everything started 3000 years ago, and for my blog everything started 3000 followers ago XD I’m not sure how many people from the old days even follow me anymore, but, thank you all. It’s been some amazing years!

As for what I’ll do… Well, my friend @maybeishouldwait helped me with some question prompts, so it’ll sort of be like an interview? I hope at least some of you are interested. So, let’s start!

1. Let's start with an easy one: how did you discover NNT, and what drew you to it?

I’ve recently answered an ask with a similar question but here we go! It was a complete coincidence. I wasn’t necessarily searching for something. I randomly browsed a manga reading site, probably looking foe updates and the title somehow caught my attention so I clicked on it. I didn’t take it seriously at first, the first chapter really didn’t impress me at all, and I only continued because I thought it was funny. It’s no secret I fell in love with the series but it still baffled me how fast it went from “Lol, this is funny and stupid” to “BEIRHJ I LOVE THIS SO MUCH” in a matter of a only few chapters XD Everything was such a new experience to me. The characters weren’t the usual stereotypes, they were actually deep and interesting. The story took a while to become interesting, at first it was more about just… gathering these super powerful knights and it was so cool to see what kind of crazy character the next one would be. I also loved how I could never see anything coming. Even now that we know what kind of series this is, there are still plottwists like Hawk’s eyes being the portal to purgatory or Cath’s whole appearance that just… could not be predicted and I really love that surprise effect when something unbelievable happens. So I love the characters and the surprises but I also love the story, or rather how it’s told. For the first… 70 or so chapters to me it felt like with every chapter it just got even BETTER than before. I still had a few of those moments in the Commandment saga, just, scenes that blew me away and made me think “Wow, I wonder how much better this series can get”. I think it also was around chapter 70 that I created my blog. And more than anything I think I love the tragedies. It’s hearbreaking but heartwarming at the same time somehow. Not many of you probably know this but my first NnT OTP was actually Banlaine and I cried so much when I read their backstory. I loved how deeply in love they were to the point of sacrificing themselves for the other. Both had to deal with a large chunk of loneliness in their lives and for both of them the other was their salvation. Every time Ban was saying anything about Elaine in the main series I was both crying and cheering for him. By now everything is a tragedy and while I wish there were a few more lighthearted scenes for… personal salvation… I like that and crying about all those characters and CARING for their happiness really helped me get into this series I think.

2. How has your blog changed since it started?

Well, apart from the fact that is has grown popular… I actually think I’ve burned out a but. I write a lot less text posts than before. I had an awful amount of (stupid) theories back in the old days and also an awful amount of free time somehow. Now I feel like I don’t think about theories that often anymore, let alone post them. Part of that is that I’m busy with work and other hobbies, but partly that’s because the series has gotten so long and it’s becoming harder and harder to remember details, especially from the newer chapters. I really want to reread the series but I never get around to do that anymore. I also think that back in the days I more or less posted just anything I found or thought was cool, while nowadays I’m always wondering what I could do. I still try to keep it up but it’s becoming harder and harder. Oh, there’s also a lot more follower interaction too!

3. What are some of your favorite blogs or sites for NNT stuff?

As for sites, I usually only check the official ones, like the official HP or the official Twitter account. As for blogs… I don’t really follow a lot of people since I look through the tag almost on a daily basis anyway. Of course there’s @spoilerkingjuliane, she’s a must follow XD I can also highly recommend @maybeishouldwait since she’s an awesome writer. I always enjoy @nostalgicbookworms gifs a lot and @sdsmangacaps is my go-to account for manga caps. There are a lot more blogs that I really like, there are tons of really good artists on Tumblr and Twitter but since I’m not actually following a lot of them and I fear I’ll forget a few I’d rather not mention them directly and hope they know I appreciate them. The most obvious Twitter account is yuka_sai0127 btw, but there are a lot of others.

4. What advice would you give to someone wanting to make their blog as successful as yours?

Tbh I have no idea how I even got so popular in the first place XD I started on a whim and thought I’d lose motivation immediately and nobody would follow me anyway. But before I knew it I had almost 100 followers in a matter of a few days. Maybe it was my obsession? I also quickly befriended the other popular NnT blogs, that probably helped too. I think it depends on what kind of blog you have, but I think the most important thing is frequent updates and high quality. I also think blogs should have a good balance between your own content and reblogs. There are blogs that live only through reblogs and that’s fine but I think it’s harder to be “interesting” when you don’t have your own content. Try to find something only you can do and do it. @spoilerkingjuliane for example is good at finding info and she is immensely popular because of that. I will forever be slightly jealous of her because I will never reach that level XD”

5. What's the best part of running your blog? What's something you wish was different?

The best part without a doubt is how much it involves me into the fandom. I’m more or less forced to see all kinds of fandom posts and while that’s sometimes stressing me out, I also see a lot of amazing content and being able to share those posts with so many people makes me really happy. Running this blog also helped me boost my own confidence. As I mentioned earlier at the beginning I thought nobody would be interested in my blog anyway and I’d give up right away. But I gained followers quickly and it showed me that yes, I might not be as boring as always I think I am. It showed me that I can do things if I just try. On the downside though, running a popular blog puts a lot of pressure on you, and I constantly feel like I have to do something, have to go through the tag, have to make SOME content somehow. And even when you’re stressed you can’t just take it out on people after all so the stress piles up. That’s probably my own responsibility and not the blog itself that is doing that, but I still wish I could take it more easy.

6. How did you learn Japanese? Did you find it difficult?

Well, it wasn’t easy at least. I started learning Japanese twice, once I gave up quickly because the book I used was a horrible starter and after that I learned the basic grammar and a few words through a magazine crash course. Learning specific words was easier than to learn all hiragana and katakana on their own and since I also knew the basic grammar it made it easier to learn and understand whole sentences. Still, I’m an extremely lazy human being and even though I’ve been learning Japanese for almost half of my life now I very rarely actively studied. Most of the time I would try (and fail) to read manga in Japanese and pick up new words and grammar here and there. But through switching between actually learning and trying to read manga I got better. Once I was at a certain level I bothered a ton of random japanese people too in order to befriend and speak japanese with them, which also helped. I think the most major step in my learning career was getting obsessed with Tales of Vesperia a few years ago tho. I was at a comparatively high Japanese level back then already but playing a game of THAT length completely in japanese was a challenge. I learned a stupid amount of new words and grammar and ways of talking through that game and it probably helped that it was just an amazing game that remains to be my favorite. I’ve also translated a few manga chapters back then that really got me practicing and I also worked at an Udon restaurant with (except for me) 100% japanese staff. And as is the case with all languages… Talking with real people is always the best practice. Then of course my year working in japan gave me the final boost. I still have a ton to learn and I’m nowhere near really GOOD but I like to think my japanese is pretty decent at least.

7. What do you see for the future of your blog?

It won’t be all too long anymore til the manga ends and when that happens there won’t be any theories or reviews to write anymore… There will still be an S3 and possible an S4 and maybe more anime projects. But it will be harder to update the blog with original content. Eventually it will most likely turn into a reblog only blog. But I hope I will have some more time and motivation to actually reread the manga, complete my NnT encyclopedia and update the blog with interesting stuff I find in between. I really want to keep this blog up for a few more years!

No matter how it will turn out though, I’m happy I came so far. I made a whole bunch of good friends during this time and had a lot of fun. To my friends and followers (silent or not): Thank you so much for your support!

[tigerroseblue]

Seven Deadly Sins Oneshot: Illusions

Hey, here's an angsty oneshot I wrote for something thestarrynightgazer drew. So, hope y'all enjoy it! Warning: Ban's potty mouth. And Meliodas seems to have caught it. Oops.

I still couldn't believe it. Ban was here, really here. In Purgatory. I couldn't decide what I was more amazed by–the fact he was here or the fact that he had jumped right in before finding out if there was a way out of this hellhole. I still felt like he was an illusion, something that would fade away as soon as I touched it and leave me here to become just another shadow of a soul, roaming the landscape.

We had paused in our search to find the exit and had killed another indigenous monster to eat. Even in Purgatory, where the landscape was toxic to anything that didn't belong there, Ban still managed to make the meat taste pretty damn good.

I could feel his eyes on me as I used my bone sword to skewer the meat. "Hey, Cap'n?" He spoke up, wary curiosity clear in his voice. I knew what he was going to ask. My body started shaking before he even opened his mouth. Tears welled in my eyes and started down my cheeks. "What exactly did your old man do to you?"

I didn't answer, trying to control myself. Damn it, I thought, upset. After all these years, trying to get a hold of my emotions so I wouldn't blow up every damn time I lost Elizabeth, I can't even stop myself from crying. What am I doing? Get a hold of yourself!

I could feel Ban blatantly staring at me by now, concerned. He obviously wasn't used to seeing me weak, something completely on purpose on my part. Even as a young child, I had learned to hide any weakness. Being weak led to being hurt. That was all there was to it. So, I did another thing I did all too well: deflect the shit out of the question.

"Aw, the old fart just kept me in a damn cage. Pretty damn boring, to be honest," I said, grinning painfully. Ban was not amused. "Cut the shit, Cap'n. No more lying. Give me the whole story, think we're past the deflecting shit by this point." I flinched. Damn. I had really spent too much time with this guy. Throughout the centuries, I'd been able to have friends, but kept them at arm's length. No one found out who or what I really was. If anyone got remotely close, I'd disappear. It was easier that way. Safer, for both me and them.

I closed my eyes, trying to block out the sight of my best friend. And he was my best friend. The first in almost 3000 years. Right after the Holy War, it was all too easy for people to recognize me and no one wanted the last Demon anywhere near them. And as the years past, any friends I made eventually died. So, not only did I have to watch Elizabeth die over and over again, I also got to see what friends I'd made grow old and die while I remained unchanged. Some never asked why I didn't age. Others never stopped asking. And others grew fearful of the man who couldn't age and who had a past no one knew.

Damn it, I hated my old man.

"Why did you come down here?" I asked shakily. "What kind of question is that?!" Ban growled. "I came to get you!" I shook my head. Damn it...stop crying! You have no right to cry after all you've done! "Why? You could've just left me here," I said, leaning down, elbows braced on my knees. "Would've been a lot better for everyone." Ban snarled. "What?! No it wouldn't! What about Elizabeth?! Or the Sins?! We need you!"

"No you don't!" I yelled suddenly. Ban stopped speaking, stopped moving. I didn't straighten from my hunched over stance. In fact, I curled more into myself, trying to block the pain. Block the pain...? A voice inside me mocked. What pain? You're the Demon Prince, a monster whose killed countless people! You can't feel pain! You have to have a damn heart to feel anything, especially pain. I wanted to scream at it. All I am is emotions! I wanted to argue. I don't have my strength and my self control is shot to hell, as my freaking tears show! But I couldn't argue with that damn voice, cause it was right. Even if all I was was Meliodas's soul, I was him and he was me. I was the sum of his experiences, of his–our–stupidly long life. If he was that heartless, cruel Demon Prince, so was I.

"Twenty years ago," I started, filling in the silence my outburst had started, "a Red Demon attacked the Fairy King's Forest and killed Elaine, your lover and King's sister. I'm a Demon, remember?! I should've sensed it! I'm the fucking Prince of the Demon Clan! How did I not sense one of my own kind?!" I could feel Ban start to speak, but I bowled right over whatever he was about to say. "I let the love of your life die right in front of you! Great best friend I am! And King! King lost his sister, his kingdom, everything! He told me to my face I couldn't be trusted anymore! And how can I blame him?! There's so many things I could've–should've!–told you! But I didn't! Cause I was so goddamn afraid!"

I was shaking, tears running down my face in steady streams by now. I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried like this. The first time Elizabeth died, when I didn't let go of her cold, lifeless body for what must've been over a day, hoping that it was just a nightmare and I'd wake up and she'd be there, smiling down at me with so much love, I could barely believe that it was for me? When her first incarnation told me about the curse and I realized I was doomed to lose her over and over again? After I had been so fed up with everything, I attempted to kill myself in so many different ways, but nothing would work and nothing was going to free me from my hell?

"I was afraid of losing Elizabeth if one of you spilled the beans and she regained her memories. I was afraid of losing all of you, if you all knew the truth. If you knew what I'd done, what I had been, and decided I was just another monster, like the Demon that killed Elaine..."

"And the others?" I continued, my voice low and harsh. "Diane had her memories wiped and forgot everything about the person she loved, for the second time, because I didn't realize Gowther was losing it! Merlin's entire home was destroyed by my father when she was just a child, leaving her with nothing! Gowther has no emotions and lost one of the only people that ever loved him, trying to stop the Holy War that I started! And then lost the other one after he'd woken up after being asleep for almost 3000 years along with the dead body of his father! And Escanor's power that he hates was once a Goddess's that my brother killed!" I shook my head. "And that's just the Sins!"

"Elizabeth has died 107 times! Her Clan betrayed her! Her own mother murdered and then cursed her! Because she had the horrible luck to fall in love with my worthless ass! Britannia itself was almost destroyed by a war that I started! All the Clans were almost eradicated! The Demons and Goddesses were sealed away, the Giants and Fairies were almost annihilated, and the only reason the Humans survived was because they played both sides! And now it's about to happen again! I didn't protect the key to the Demon's prison well enough and now they're back and pissed off and ready to kill everything in their path in order to get their revenge! And all of you are in danger, cause I selfishly wanted to see my ends met, even if it meant sending people who were completely clueless about the situation into battle!"

I took a deep breath, winded from my continuous crying and yelling. "So tell me, WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANY OF YOU NEED ME?!?!" I screamed.

Ban didn't answer. I leaned over more, resting my head on my arms, covering my face with my trembling hands. I couldn't tell if the trembling was a result of adrenaline, rage, sadness, or a mixture of all three. I waited for him to respond. Maybe now he'd see that I wasn't worth it, that all I had done was hurt them.

"You're fucking stupid," was his response. That...was not what I was expecting. I finally looked up. He stared at me, determination burning in his red eyes. "Listen, maybe our lives have been fucked up all to hell. But that's not your fault. Maybe you should've told us what was going on, but not wanting to see the woman you love die for the 108th time is a pretty damn good fucking reason not to say anything, in my opinion. And I'm pretty sure King'll agree with me, he'd do anything for Diane. And whatever your fucking psychopathic family did has nothing to do with you. And the princess would tell you she didn't care what happened, she loved you, if she was here. And maybe you started that war, but the Clans sure as hell helped it along. And maybe you lost that damn key, but it was bound to happen anyway and you protected it good enough," his hand rubbed along the scar I'd given him. "So, your argument is shit. Let's move on to what your son of a bitch father did to you."

I stared at him, taking a moment to comprehend what had just been said. Then, I started laughing. It was a broken, strangled laugh, but it'd do. "Oh, you know, the usual. Just created illusions of my worst damn fears and tortured me with the fact that I'd fucked up in so many different ways, it's a damn miracle anyone gives a shit about me." I laughed again. "What the fuck did I do to deserve all of you?" He shrugged. "The fact that you dragged all of us out of our shit and gave us a purpose again?"

I shook my head, choosing not to address that comment yet. "At first, I was pretty damn confident, you know? Telling him I was getting out of this dump and making it back to you guys and we were going to kick his Commandment's asses. But he knew exactly what buttons to push. With his magic, he created illusions of all of you. The Sins, Elizabeth, even Little Gil... I knew all they were were illusions, but that didn't matter in the end. I still heard all the accusations. Of how I'd ruined your lives, how much I'd fucked everything up, how so many people would still be alive if it wasn't for me. And I did exactly what that bastard father of mine wanted: I cracked. Then, he didn't have to worry about me escaping, I was too mad with guilt and rage to do anything."

I closed my eyes, remembering all the illusions had said. "Elizabeth asked why she'd fallen for me, a monster who after all these years, still hasn't done what I'd promised. All you guys told me I'd destroyed your lives and threw you into a war that wasn't yours to begin with and that I was going to get you all killed. Little Gil blamed me for Zaratras's death and Hendy and Dreyfus's possessions. Zaratras's dead body then blamed me for leaving his son fatherless and forced to go against everything he stood for to protect the person he loved. Baltra blamed me for bringing his kingdom and family into a fight they had no chance of winning. My brother blamed me for starting the war and betraying them. And all those countless people I couldn't save...I saw all their faces again. I heard their screams. All the while, my father just had to chime in with his little tidbits and remind me of my days as the leader of the Ten Commandments and how much death and destruction I had left in my wake back then."

I pressed my palms against my ears, trying in vain to shut out the memories. "I hate who I was back then. I was a true monster that didn't care about what atrocious actions I was committing. Not a day goes by that I don't regret my past. I can't believe Elizabeth ever stuck with me. She should've seen a lost cause when she saw me, but she didn't care. She loved me anyway and I'm so lucky to have her. And you guys. After everything I've done, how I hid so many things from you, things that could've saved lives, how can you sit there and tell me this isn't my fault?!"

Ban sighed. "Damn, Cap'n. I'm not used to being the voice of reason. Listen, when you found all of us, we were nothing but broken bastards who didn't have the will to fight anymore. After Elaine died, I didn't want to do anything. We both know I could've escaped from that prison they had me in after Elaine died. But I didn't, cause I didn't have anything to live for anymore, but I couldn't die either. And while I don't exactly see eye to eye with the others all the time, I know they're the same. We might've not liked you dragging us from our shit at first, but you did it and made us get back up and start fighting again. If we die in this war, at least we'd die fighting for something, instead of just laying down and waiting for death to come."

He got up and walked over to me, slinging an arm around my shaking shoulders. "So, let's get out of this dump, save our women, end this damn war, then drink enough alcohol, it sends even you into a fucking coma, agreed? And I'll make sure to tell your father to go fuck himself while we're at it." I laughed, sounding slightly choked. "Only you, Ban. Only you." He laughed with me and stood up. "And after this is all over and done with, we'll open the bar again with all the Sins! And Elizabeth and Elaine too!" He said, walking off.

I stood up and wiped away the tears. "Yeah," I said, grinning. Maybe he's right, I thought, following alongside Ban. Then again, maybe they're just all idiots and I've screwed up for the last time and they'll hate me when we get back. But first of all, we have to get out of this damn place. The rest can just fall into place as it will...Though, cussing out my dad sounds really fucking fantastic right now.

[shculley]

Top 100 Albums of 2021

100. Midnight Sister - Painting the Roses

99. Mush - Lines Redacted

98. Lambchop - Showtunes

97. Hiss Golden Messenger - Quietly Blowing It

96. Mogwai - As the Love Continues

95. Cloud Nothings - The Shadow I Remember

94. New Pagans - The Seed, The Vessel, The Roots and All

93. The Hold Steady - Open Door Policy

92. Meatbodies - 333

91. James Blake - Friends That Break Your Heart

90. Snail Mail - Valentine

89. The Natvral - Tethers

88. Tune-Yards - Sketchy

87. Dinosaur Jr. - Sweep It Into Space

86. Andy Stott - Never the Right Time

85. Crumb - Ice Melt

84. The Chisel - Retaliation

83. Madlib - Sound Ancestors

82. Ben Seretan - Cicada Waves

81. The Spirit of the Beehive - Entertainment, Death

80. Shannon & The Clams - Year of the Spider

79. Kings of Convenience - Peace or Love

78. In A Daydream - This Side of Purgatory

77. Big Red Machine - How Long Do You Think It's Gonna Last?

76. Steve Gunn - Other You

75. Courtney Barnett - Things Take Time, Take Time

74. Chvrches - Screen Violence

73. Jose Gonzalez - Local Valley

72. Mr Twin Sister - Al Mundo Azu

71. Roosevelt - Polydans

70. Lost Girls - Menneskekollektivet

69. Aeon Station - Observatory

68. Wednesday - Twin Plagues

67. Alexis Taylor - Silence

66. Wild Pink - A Billion Little Lights

65. Darkside - Spiral

64. Pond - 9

63. Ty Segall - Harmonizer

62. The Black Keys - Delta Kream

61. UV-TV - Always Something

60. Devendra Banhart, Noah Georgeson - Refuge

59. Jon Hopkins - Music For Psychedelic Therapy

58. Grouper - Shade

57. Holy Other - Lieve

56. Damon Albarn - The Nearer the Fountain, More Pure the Stream Flows

55. The Goon Sax - Mirror II

54. The Weather Station - Ignorance

53. Parannoul - To See the Next Part of the Dream

52. CIVIC - Future Forecast

51. Home Is Where - I Became Birds

50. Japanese Breakfast - Jubilee

49. Nick Cave & Warren Ellis - Carnage

48. Death From Above 1979 - Is 4 Lovers

47. Museum of Love - Life of Mammals

46. Liars - The Apple Drop

45. Parquet Courts - Sympathy for Life

44. Helado Negro - Far In

43. Matt Sweeney, Bonnie Prince Billy - Superwolves

42. My Morning Jacket - My Morning Jacket

41. Fruit Bats - The Pet Parade

40. Saint Etienne - I've Been Trying To Tell You

39. Ovlov - Buds

38. Cold Cave - Fate in Seven Lessons

37. Iceage - Seek Shelter

36. Dean Wareham - I Have Nothing to Say to the Mayor of L.A.

35. Vision Video - Inked In Red.

34. King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - Butterfly 3000

33. A Great Big Pile of Leaves - Pono

32. The Killers - Pressure Machine

31. Joy Orbison - Still Slipping Vol. 1

30. Wavves - Hideaway

29. Cool Ghouls - At George’s Zoo

28. Faye Webster - I Know I'm Funny Haha

27. Mdou Moctar - Afrique Victime

26. Daniel Bachman - Axacan

25. Magdalena Bay - Mercurial World

24. Black Marble - Fast Idol

23. The Antlers - Green to Gold

22. Cassandra Jenkins - An Overview on Phenomenal Nature

21. Shame - Drunk Tank Pink

20. Bicep - Isles

19. Hovvdy - True Love

18. Chubby and the Gang - The Mutt’s Nuts

17. Black Midi - Cavalcade

16. The War On Drugs - I Don’t Live Here Anymore

15. Cindy - 1:2

14. Squid - Bright Green Field

13. Turnstile - Glow On

12. Idles - Crawler

11. Geese - Projector

10. Nation of Language - A Way Forward

9. Lightning Bug - A Color of the Sky

8. Foxing - Draw Down the Moon

7. slowthai - TYRON

6. Floating Points, Pharoah Sanders & The London Symphony Orchestra - Promises

5. Fiddlehead - Between the Richness

4. Dry Cleaning - New Long Leg

3. Low - Hey What

2. Deafheaven - Infinite Granite

1. Black Country, New Road - For the First Time

[winchesterborn]

VERSES: updated

#˚ 　　main 　 .　　 . ⊹   and way down we go

set  post  series  .  canon  divergent  .  emma  lives  with  sam  ,  dean  ,  and  lily  .  currently  trying  to  live  as  a  kid  ,  protected  from  the  hunter  lifestyle  .  (  though  some  things  she  can’t  be  shielded  from  )

#˚ 　　purgatory 　 .　　 . ⊹   a merciless wind is knocking at my door

set  during  the  year  she  was  stuck  in  purgatory  before  dean  pulled  her  out  .

#˚ 　　the beginning 　 .　　 . ⊹   i’m just here flying off the deep end

set  right  after  her  revival  from  purgatory  ,  around  season  8  .  trying  to  figure  out  how  to  live  again  .  very  nervous  around  sam  and  hesitant  around  dean  .  she’s  unsure  if  she  likes  this  whole  family  thing  . 

#˚ 　　mid series 　 .　　 . ⊹   i made a fist and not a plan call me a reckless wrecking ball 

set  any  time  between  season  9  -  15  .  emma  still  looks  16  ,  but  she’s  growing  mentally  .

#˚ 　　huntercorp 　 .　　 . ⊹   i’ve been to the year 3000 ; not much has changed but they live underwater

emma  is  the  sixteen  year  old  child  of  dean  winchester  .  she’s  a  bit  of  a  rebel  ,  and  a  pain  in  the  ass  .  

#˚ 　　a human life 　 .　　 . ⊹   i’ll give it all i got ; that is my plan

emma  ,  but  not  half  amazon  .  can  be  any  time  between  ages  4 - 9  .

#˚ 　　crack 　 .　　 . ⊹   what team ??

anything  not  really  that  serious  and  just  me  goofing  off  .

[zeldrispendragon]

Life and Death

I SHOULD BE STUDYING!!! Anyway! Here's a grim reaper AU I made for Geldris or Zelda however you call that ship. I hope you like it!

~~~~~

"Wha-what do you mean...?" Zeldris rolled his eyes hearing the same exact word the millionth time around. Humans should know that they will inevitably face death, they should live long enough to know that, it was simply their fate. How hard was it to accept that? A concept that had existed from the moment their world was created, a cycle that'll never end and will practically remain forever until this world dies.

He glances at the clock over his hand, no longer ticking, his thumb rubbing against the silver cover reading the name clearly. Kai Pendragon, another selfish soul who brought nothing but suffering to those people around him. Taking advantage of the love his brother felt towards him, claiming what wasn't supposed to be his and usually finding happiness in the failure of others.

He glances at those wide horrified eyes with obvious boredom later shifting his gaze over the corpse of the man over a stretcher. The sound of the ambulance echoes far too loudly that lord of death wasn't even able to hear the soul's strangled cried. A car accident, too drunk from a party to even drive properly that led him to his demise... his death however, was well deserved along with whatever kind of judgement the gods were to give thim.

"I am pretty sure that you are not deaf and you had heard me properly, Kai Pendragon, I do not wish to repeat myself." He stuff the watch back into his pocket, actually certain that he'll throw it in the pits of the purgatory rather than hanging it in the garden of Eden.

He glances back at the ambulance, seeing a boy around the age of 15 crying his heart out as he embrace the corpse. Amber hair, purple eyes, he remembered seeing those before... the night where the child's biological parents died while he remained as the sole survivor. He had went through a lot, rather kind to be in this world and Zeldris kbew that he would be taking his soul soon enough... his mission was about to be over.

Arthur Pendragon was too understanding and kind it was foolish, Zeldris thought yet he knew pretty well that the boy wasn't at fault for he was but a victim of his brother's tyranny. The child may be oblivious to his brother's crimes but the gods weren't... he will get what he deserves.

"Why fear? If you've done great in life then there is nothing to fear." Death once uttered, glancing back at the soul. He smirks, seeing the cold sweat all over the man's face as he took a step backward.

"Unless you didn't..." The man had screamed then on, turning his back on Zeldris who merely clicked his fingers. A grand silver gate appeared behind him, opening iself as skeletons crawled out of it in pursuit of the soul who wishes escape.

He was far too used to this...

It was almost boring.

~

They say that being a lord of death was a blessing, yet it wasn't honesly... It was a job that was meant to last for thousands of years it was almost too much to bear.

He could still remember it... he and his brothers, holding unto each other firmly before a god. They were all scared and confused, not understanding what was going on. Just moments ago, the three of them were celebrating their birthday, the whole country was rejoicing for it was a beautiful day for their princes and rulers.

Then he saw it, Estarossa with an arrow pierced through his chest, everyone was screaming, and the next thing he was was Meliodas pushing him away only for the blonde to be slashed with a sword right before his eyes. The two trying to protect him were all in vain, for moments later after he had lifted the sword to kill whoever murdered his brother he felt a slash over his throat.

He couldn't breath, he was dying, sight growing blurry as he tried to glare at the man above him with his tear filled eyes. Next thing he knew is that he saw his own body, laying down the castle's floor along with his brothers with a sword standing over his chest.

It was the day they died...

On the day that they were supposed to be celebrating their birth.

It's been 3000 years since then...

He sighed, picking up another watch in his pocket, it was gold this time... It mean a well spent life. It was still ticking, yet it wouldn't be long until it stops. He kept it wrapped between his fingers, walking through the halls of the hospitals until he halted his steps.

He scythe disappeared, his body walking pass through the walls of the soul he was about to pick up. As he look up to see the 93rd death he'll witnessed that day. Yet something unexpected had welcomed his eyes beside the body, his orbs widen seeing a Life after more than centuries.

The life was a beautiful woman with blonde locks, he couldn't really tell if it was long since it was braided, otherwise she was still beautiful. Her eyes were completely identical to his before he was turned into a death, they were a lovely pair of ruby as red her lips.

"How unfortunate, she really does die." The life uttered, sighing sadly before glancing at Zeldris. He felt incredibly stupid for immediately looking away, looking at the woman in the hospital bed with a child in her arms. No wonder a life was here, someone was being born.

"Don't worry that much, the boy will grow up fine. He has a loving sister waiting outside and a father who's willing to give his all to them." He told her, although very sure that the life knows of such.

"But the father... his time is also running out." He glance back at the blonde life. Her eyes were so full of emotion, and sympathy... shenwas probably new, or she just wasn't used of seeing lives taken since she's the giver of it.

"In five years, yes... his mission is going to end soon as well." The lines on the monitor suddenly went straight as the man beside the woman cried out. Dale Wincesteshire, and his new born son Zeal Wincestishire. Dale will die in five years, his eldest daughter Guila will become a successful lawyer in the future and her brother will be a doctor who will save many lives.

They'll go through a lot... but they'll be fine...

A little sphere of light suddenly floated above the body, later manifesting itself into a woman completely identical to the one laying down the bed. She glances at Zeldris first then at the life, still confused until she looked down.

A smile was painted over her face.

"Thank you." She uttered first, looking at the life standing before her. The life smiled, nodding as she later glance at the death by the doorsteps of the hospital room. Tears were over her cheeks, hating the sound of her husband's cries, not really wanting to leave them soon.

"They'll be alright..." Zeldris assured, rarely doing such. The last time he did was picking up a boy who was crying because he didn't want to leave his parents. Beautiful souls such as these deserves such.

The soul nodded, biting her lower lip with tears still staining her cheeks. She walks towards him as the silver gate once again opened behind him. He offered his hand to the mother, leading her the way glancing back at the life. The life smiled, giving a short wave as if telling goodbye. He merely nodded in response knowing pretty well this wasn't the last time he's seeing her.

Humans say that life is beautiful...

She literally was.